How to talk to your partner about debt
Published on 21 Dec 2025
31 min read
by Leonardo Lemos
The conversation you're dreading could actually strengthen your relationship. Research consistently shows that couples who openly discuss debt—even significant amounts—report higher relationship satisfaction than those who keep financial secrets. Yet nearly half of UK adults avoid talking about money with their partner, making debt one of the most common but least discussed issues in relationships. This guide provides evidence-based, practical advice for having that conversation, with specific frameworks designed for where you are in your relationship right now.
The stakes are real: one in ten UK couples cite debt as the reason for their separation or divorce, according to Relate. But here's what the data also tells us—couples who tackle debt together, with honesty and a shared plan, often emerge with stronger bonds than before. The discomfort of the conversation is temporary; the relief of sharing the burden is lasting.
Understanding why debt conversations feel so hard is the first step toward having one successfully. Research from the Journal of Consumer Research found that 85% of people have hidden or lied about spending to their partner at some point, while 40% have taken on secret debt. In the UK specifically, 17% of people admit to hiding debts from their partner, with 8.3 million people estimated to have debts their partners know nothing about—totalling approximately £69 billion in hidden debt nationwide.
The primary driver isn't selfishness or deception—it's shame. Relate's "In Too Deep" report found that 51% of people hide debt because they feel ashamed, while 46% are scared of their partner's reaction. This shame creates what researchers call a "financial shame spiral": you feel bad about debt, so you avoid dealing with it, which makes the debt worse, which intensifies the shame. The word "debt" itself shares linguistic roots with "fault," "sin," and "guilt" across early European languages—the shame is literally baked into our vocabulary.
Financial therapist Debra Kaplan captures the cycle perfectly: "Conversations about debt are oftentimes delayed because of the fear that if my partner knew about my debt, the relationship would not continue. And then they get into a cycle of 'well, I waited this long and now I'm really ashamed and afraid. If I bring it up now, what are they going to say?'" The irony, as research consistently demonstrates, is that hiding debt damages relationships far more than the debt itself.
If you're feeling financial pressure in your relationship, you're far from alone. According to Relate's research, money worries are now the single biggest strain on UK relationships—affecting over a quarter of couples and ranking above work stress, health issues, or family conflicts. The cost of living crisis has intensified this pressure significantly: 35% of UK couples say it has strained their relationship, with 28% reporting more frequent arguments about finances as a direct result.
The numbers paint a stark picture. 62% of UK couples have argued about money, making it the number one issue couples fight about, according to Royal London research. 26% argue about money at least once a week, with 5% arguing about it daily. And the consequences are serious: couples who argue about money weekly are 52% more likely to divorce.
For Millennials and Gen Z specifically, the financial landscape presents unique challenges. The average student debt has soared from £10,000 in 2007 to nearly £45,000 today. Only 27% of millennials have made it onto the property ladder. And perhaps most tellingly, 59% of millennials admit to keeping financial secrets from loved ones—the highest of any generation. This isn't a character flaw; it's a generation dealing with unprecedented financial pressures while inheriting outdated norms about money being "private" or "taboo."
Your difficulty talking about money isn't a personal failing—it's often deeply rooted in your early experiences. Psychologists Brad and Ted Klontz developed the concept of "money scripts": unconscious beliefs about money typically formed in childhood that drive adult financial behaviour. These scripts explain why two perfectly intelligent people can have completely opposite reactions to the same financial situation.
The four primary money scripts are Money Avoidance (believing money is bad or you don't deserve it), Money Worship (believing more money will solve everything), Money Status (equating net worth with self-worth), and Money Vigilance (excessive wariness and secrecy about finances). Understanding your own script—and your partner's—can transform a blame-filled argument into a productive conversation. When you realise your partner isn't being "reckless" or "controlling" about money, but rather operating from deeply ingrained childhood beliefs, empathy becomes possible.
Attachment style also plays a crucial role. Research published in the Journal of Financial Therapy found that anxiously attached individuals communicate less about finances, leading to worse financial management and more money conflicts. A securely attached partner can help an anxiously attached partner open up about money—but only if they create genuine psychological safety in the conversation. This is why leading with judgment ("How could you let this happen?") shuts conversations down, while leading with curiosity ("Help me understand what happened") opens them up.
The evidence is clear on what makes debt conversations succeed or fail. Financial therapist Ed Coambs explains: "What we're really looking at with these financial experiences is trying to work on the emotional charge connected to them. We're listening to how people frame their financial lives—good debt, bad debt, how did we get here?" The approach matters far more than the amount of debt.
Successful couples frame debt as "ours" rather than "yours." They approach the conversation as teammates tackling a shared problem, not opponents in a blame game. As Julia Rodgers, CEO of HelloPrenup, puts it: "Hiding debt will erode trust. By openly discussing debt and working together towards a debt management plan, couples can use this vulnerability to strengthen their bond."
Timing and environment matter enormously. StepChange advises: "Find an occasion where you have no plans and no distractions. This will give you as long as you need to talk through your situation and answer any questions your partner has." Don't ambush your partner after a stressful workday or in the middle of a social event. Give them notice—"I'd like to talk about our finances, can we find a good time this weekend?"—so they can mentally prepare.
Coming with a plan demonstrates commitment. Before the conversation, gather your facts: how much you owe, to whom, at what interest rates, and what your minimum payments are. Having this information ready shows you're taking the situation seriously and not just offloading the problem. If you've already started working with a debt advice service like StepChange, explain that you're actively seeking solutions.
The first major mistake is partial disclosure—revealing some debts but not all. As Ocean Finance advises: "If you owe a lot, you may be tempted to test the waters by telling them about some, but not all, of your debts. But this may mean you need to have another conversation in the future, which could lead to them feeling you've been dishonest." Full disclosure in one conversation is painful but prevents the trust erosion of multiple revelations.
The second mistake is getting defensive or attacking. When you feel vulnerable, it's natural to deflect or project. But statements like "Well, you spent £300 on that thing last month" immediately transform a disclosure into a fight. Counsellor Lindsay George recommends using "I" statements and sticking to facts: "I feel overwhelmed by this debt" rather than "You never want to talk about this."
The third mistake is expecting immediate resolution. Your partner may need time to process, especially if the news is significant. Ocean Finance notes that older generations in particular may find these conversations difficult—nearly one in three over-55s would be unlikely to discuss debt with someone they know. Give your partner space to feel whatever they feel, and schedule a follow-up conversation for problem-solving.
The fourth mistake is avoiding the conversation entirely. The longer you wait, the worse the shame spiral becomes. Chris Sherwood, Chief Executive of Relate, states directly: "Talking about debt can be difficult, especially if you feel ashamed or have different approaches to money, but keeping things under wraps can be problematic for the relationship and make the debt harder to manage."
The fifth mistake is not establishing ongoing communication. One conversation isn't enough. Successful couples schedule regular "money dates"—even just 20-30 minutes monthly—to check in on finances, celebrate progress, and catch small problems before they become big ones.
The most effective approach breaks down into four stages. In the preparation phase, understand your own emotional relationship with money before expecting your partner to. Reflect on the beliefs you inherited from your parents. Know your current financial position completely—debts, income, assets. Consider what outcome you're hoping for and what support you need.
During the setup phase, give advance notice by saying something like "I'd like to talk about finances—can we find a good time?" Choose a neutral, comfortable setting where paperwork is accessible but the atmosphere isn't clinical. Set a time limit of 30-60 minutes to prevent overwhelm, and ensure both of you are rested, fed, and relatively unstressed.
The conversation itself should follow Relate's framework: take turns to speak and actively listen; be ready to compromise; use "I" statements rather than accusations; focus on facts rather than emotions when discussing specific spending; draw up a practical written plan; and schedule a follow-up discussion. Remember: be tough on the problem, not on each other. Address issues as a team ("our income can't support our current expenses") rather than attacking ("you spend too much").
The follow-through phase is where many couples falter. Schedule regular money dates—weekly when first tackling debt, then monthly once you've established good habits. The Gottman Institute recommends dedicated weekly relationship check-ins that include financial topics. Knowing you'll have your partner's attention reduces day-to-day anxiety about money and prevents issues from building up.
In early dating, focus on observation rather than interrogation. Notice how your partner handles bill-splitting, whether they seem to live within their means, and how they talk about money generally. Light conversation starters like "How do you like to split things—50/50, alternating, or something else?" can reveal money attitudes without feeling like an interview.
When the relationship gets serious (six months plus), more direct conversations become appropriate. Ask about credit card habits, debt attitudes, and financial goals. A 2024 survey found 85% of people believe partners should be upfront about debt and spending habits early in relationships. Conversation starters can include "If you won £5,000 tomorrow, what would you do with it?" or "What financial obligations do you have right now?"
Before moving in together, explicit conversations are essential. Who's named on the tenancy? How will you split bills—50/50 or proportional to income? Will you open a joint account for shared expenses? What happens if one of you can't pay? Full debt disclosure is appropriate at this stage. MoneyHelper advises: "Before moving in with your partner check who is named on the tenancy agreement. You might find you're responsible for paying their share of rent and bills if they fail to pay."
For engaged or married couples, complete financial transparency becomes necessary. This means full debt disclosure including amounts, types, and interest rates; checking both credit scores; discussing assets, savings, pensions, and any inheritance expectations; deciding how to combine (or not combine) finances; and discussing how you'll handle family financial obligations. Research shows seven in ten people enter marriage with debt—this is entirely normal, but it must be openly discussed.
Here's the good news: you are generally not legally responsible for your partner's personal debts unless the debt is in joint names, you acted as a guarantor, or it's council tax for a property you both lived in. Your partner's pre-existing debts don't automatically become yours when you move in together or even when you marry.
However, financial association matters. Once you have a joint bank account, mortgage, or loan together, their credit behaviour can affect your ability to get credit. Lenders may check your "financial associates" when assessing applications. If you're concerned about this, you can request a "notice of disassociation" from credit reference agencies if your circumstances change.
For cohabiting couples specifically, be aware that living together doesn't give you the same legal rights as married couples. If you separate, there's less legal protection—which is why some couples consider a cohabitation agreement (essentially a contract governing how you'll handle finances and assets if you split). Citizens Advice and MoneyHelper offer free guidance on these arrangements.
One anonymous Mumsnet user shared how disclosure transformed her relationship: "I basically told him about the debt, and that I felt incapable of looking after my finances, and that I wanted to hand over all decisions and plans to him... He helped me to pay off the debt over the next five years and since then we've been debt free and have no secrets. It made us stronger."
Tai and Talaat McNeely, who now run the financial education platform His & Her Money, merged finances when one partner had significant debt and poor credit while the other had no debt and an excellent score. They became debt-free within their first year of marriage by living off one income and using the other entirely for debt repayment. "The hardest part was compromise and communication," Talaat reflects. "I'm a natural spender, she's a natural saver. We had to find a lot of middle ground on a lot of issues. And we also had to figure out how to communicate our feelings instead of just being like, 'whatever you say is fine.' That's not healthy."
Another UK couple, Nicky and her husband from Gloucester, got into debt while raising three children. "We found it easier to ignore the debts and carry on spending than confront each other about it. When we eventually did start trying to talk about it we'd approach it in the wrong way which meant we'd argue and, ironically, go out and spend more money." They eventually paid off their debt but acknowledge: "We had a lot of slip-ups and it could have destroyed our marriage. Free support around how to talk about the money without blame would have really helped."
While most debt conversations are uncomfortable but navigable, some responses warrant concern. Refusing to discuss finances at all is a significant red flag—Dr. Joy Williams notes that "if your partner refuses to discuss money matters, that is cause for concern." Similarly, if your partner becomes consistently defensive, secretive, or dismissive when money comes up, there may be deeper issues at play.
Financial abuse is a distinct category requiring different support. Relate defines it as "when someone's treatment of their partner's finances results in their partner feeling controlled, trapped or undermined." This includes not allowing access to money, taking significant risks with joint resources like gambling, or running up debt in your name without consent. If you're in this situation, contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline.
For couples who simply can't have productive money conversations on their own, professional support is available and often free. StepChange (0800 138 1111) offers free debt advice and can work with couples. MoneyHelper (0800 138 7777) provides free, impartial government-backed guidance. Relate offers relationship counselling that specifically addresses money issues, including free 30-minute initial chats. As financial therapist Megan McCoy puts it bluntly: "Divorce is way more expensive than therapy."
The couples who successfully navigate debt share certain characteristics: they approach money conversations with curiosity rather than judgment; they frame their financial future as a shared project rather than individual burdens; they establish regular communication rhythms rather than waiting for crises; and they seek help when needed rather than struggling alone.
Starting is the hardest part. Relate's advice is refreshingly direct: "Talk about it, even if it makes you feel awkward." The research is clear that couples who tackle financial conversations with honesty, empathy, and a collaborative mindset report stronger relationships and better outcomes. Your debt has a story behind it—and your partner probably wants to understand that story, not judge you for the numbers.
As one Mumsnet user wisely observed to someone dreading their own disclosure: "Would you love him any less if it was the other way round? That's what I asked myself and the answer was 'no way!!!'" The same compassion you'd extend to your partner is the compassion they're likely to extend to you—if you give them the chance.
Having the debt conversation is the first step. The next is finding tools that actually support how modern couples manage money—transparently when you're ready, privately when you're not, and fairly at every stage.
plan/ria helps UK couples navigate shared finances from first dates to mortgages, with features built around how relationships actually evolve. Whether you're splitting rent 50/50, managing debt together, or saving for joint goals, plan/ria adapts to where you are right now.
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Leonardo Lemos, or simply Leo, broke into the tech industry at the age of 16, and since then, he has been building products and services for startups and enterprises in highly regulated industries, such as finances, transportation, AI, and more. He is a software engineer expert in User Experience, lover of software architecture, CEO, and founder of plan/ria.
He also writes on his personal blog about his experience and insights into the tech industry.
He is a history lover, especially when it comes to British, Canadian, Portuguese, and Spanish history. His favourite place in the world is London, or precisely the Westminster Abbey (but York is a very close second.)
Leo is a Chelsea fan (Go Blues!)
Reach out to him at leo@planria.co.uk or on LinkedIn.